7 Provocative Comments About the Film Gravity

Gravity the Movie

I am one of those people that gets really enthusiastic about the things he instinctively loves, throws out wild, barely-considered assertions, and then aggressively and vehemently defends them. Here goes:

1. Terrence Malick needs to see Gravity so that he can learn how to incorporate beautiful images into an actual story. Call it poetry class. James Cameron should go with him to learn about the future of 3-D.

2. Gravity will not win Best Costume for their spacesuits, but it will win 8 Oscars including Best Actress, Best Director and Best Picture.*  The big ones will be complimented with lots of little ones for sound and special effects that it actually deserves and didn’t just get nominated on inertia and coattails. The hosts of the show will highlight it in the opening segment where the presenter can’t get to the podium because his parachute cables get caught on something backstage. No other film has a prayer in a teardrop’s chance.

3. George Clooney will not win an Oscar, boo-hoo. It won’t be because he’s not a great guy and I don’t love him, and certainly not because my wife finds him very, very attractive, but because the portly guy who squints all the time when he acts but was really pretty phenomenal in Somebody Somebody’s The Butler will win.

4. Gravity will earn more than Avatar globally by the time it comes untethered. It is an adventure, a movie star vehicle, a 3-D spectacle, and a friggin’ tone poem. Deeply rooted in human vulnerability and our awesome human durability, it’s a crowd pleaser and what’s not to love about how great we are. And, touché Melanie, Sandra Bullock looks pretty hot in those little NASA underwear things, Christ almighty.

5. Alfonso Cuarón vaults into the Pantheon of Major Directors (it’s a little glass showcase of director figurines at the door of the DGA in Hollywood.) Remember that scene in Pan’s Labyrinth where you’re not supposed to eat the fruit on the big long table with the giant and the eyeball? Well, that was our warning. You can seat him at the Spielberg table. He belongs there.

6. The only technical problem with the film is that when your head is spinning around in circles in there you tend to rotate it and the 3-D glasses do something funny when angled and I kept bumping into my neighbor.

7. It is a masterpiece.

I sound like Rex Reed, but I’m ready to fight all of yas.

* There is no considered reason for 8 here. I haven’t gone through the list and picked the likely categories. But 8 is probably about right and this is how I come up with my football point spreads. Go with your gut feeling and, by the way, go Seahawks who are going to beat the Colts by 13 points tomorrow morning. We can talk about this next.