September 21


Why the Airlines Are Not in Trouble

crazy attendant

Thanks to everyone for your help on the exit row dilemma, especially the comment this morning that said I’d only be “panicky” and “I’m unlikely to be of much use” from this fellow who has looked in depth at the challenge of sharing middle seat armrests on international flights. Best advice was to “get out of Dodge” and “I’ll be in the way” that came in on Twitter. Thanks for the love.

In the spirit of being asked to pay for just about everything, I have a few suggestions for things they haven’t tapped yet, but I’d be willing to pay a reasonable fee to get some control over. I include each item below along with my maximum bid.

  • I would like to purchase the middle seat armrests as part of my seat upgrade options. $25
  • I would like to bid against the guy in front of me for the movement of his seat back. $50
  • I would like to be able to flush any toilet on the plane from an iPhone application. $10
  • I would like to welcome everybody to Denver in my own name  with a brief commentary on the landing. $30
  • I would like my luggage to come out first and all alone on a tiny little circular spinning delivery system that isn’t even connected to anything. $40
  • I would like to make announcements into the pilot’s cabin to describe what I see out my window. $80
  • I would like my neighbor’s television to switch to the Al-Jazeera network when he spreads his legs into my airspace. $25
  • I would like first class food and drink service when seated in the last row in front of the toilets where the seats don’t go back. COMP
  • I would like all airline personnel to wave or nod (uniformed pilots only) to my children like they do in the commercials. $5
  • I would like the flight info screens to feature a seating diagram that shows everybody’s BMI and the median age of the flight attendants. $10
  • I would like an inflatable pillow in the forward tray that I can top up with a red valve $10
  • I would like the plane to slow down over Verizon cell towers $4
  • I would like an announcement that welcomes passengers into the mile high club so we can cheer as they return to their seats. $120
  • I would like the full can with my drink without the humiliation of asking for it. $35 – $50
  • I would like the flight attendants to stop reading celebrity magazines while I’m waiting for the toilet. $25
  • I would like every flight to have a customer appreciation moment where somebody wins a free ticket or something based on their seat numbers. COMP
  • I would like my oxygen bag to inflate the way you’d reasonably expect. COMP
  • I would like the little rain drops in the windows to go away. $20

I’m open to other suggestions…